Are you gay?

There was a time when I was in my dorm and got a phone call from my mom.
She asked me if everything was ok, how was my study, and I must stay healthy and all...
then suddenly...
Mom: ''Hey..''
Me: ''Yes?''
Mom: ''Are you.... gay by any chance?''

(By gay she meant, lesbian)

I know she was joking, but I didn't expect that one...out of all things.
But I still managed to answer her in a half-joking-half-serious tone, "Of course.......No! Why you asked that?!!! o.O"

She laughed and said that she just talked to my older sis, who happened to wonder about my sexuality since I was in college for awhile but never had a boyfriend.

Now, the weird part is that my mom is actually strict when it comes to her daughters' relationships (Ironically, when she was young, she had boyfriend wayyyy earlier than any of us, not too mention many too!) She always urged us to focus more on books than on boys, but now it seemed like she encouraged me to have a boyfriend!

''Sorry to disappoint you and sis, I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not even interested in that... -long pause- yet'', I answered firmly.

''Oh! ok then good! I jut wanted to make sure...You must focus on your study, then boys can come after than! Ok bye bye'' -hands up-

Hah! I knew it...she was only testing me but I was too smart for that (or rather, I just simply said the truth xD)

Yet her question got me thinking for 1 minute....and till now it popped up in my head while I helped myself getting another bowl of rice (hence here I am sitting here and writing these while eating)...

At times, I'm also confused about myself as well...

I meant, when I was a baby my reputation as a Dolls Destroyer was well-known within the family.
You can say that I was a bit tomboyish; and I can say that I was nothing like my older sister
,who kept her toys, especially dolls , so well that they were as new as the day they were bought.
Unfortunately, once my sister's dolls came to me, they had met their demise...

The expensive walking Russian-as-big-as-a-3-years-old-girl-doll?
I poked her eyes out of the sockets to my mom's dismay.

The electric barking red dog?
I threw him down from the 2nd floor and since then he became the Crippled-electric -barking -red dog.

The barbie doll with long silky brunette hair with jointed elbows and legs?
I gave her a new haircut and handicapped her...

I found my interest in toy cars, catching crickets, lizards, climbing...
It was not a wonder when my mom decided to cut my hair short and dressed me up like a boy..
..and I didn't have a hard time to act like one at all.

2nd grade, I found my best friend's smile so cute and pretty that I wanted to protect her and was willing to beat anyone who made her cry.

5th grade I found myself looking at the girls from my class--observing and analyzing their actions as though I wasn't one of them.

9th grade, I started playing an online game. For some funny reasons, I picked the opposite gender for my character. I thought it was fine as long as I kept everything in the virtual world.
Over times, I met a nice girl and still hid my real identity, real gender.
I got quite attached to her...
A part of me yearned to tell her all about me, about my real self; yet the other part wanted to keep everything hidden.

But the thought of deceiving her further agonized me each day.
I could only either tell her the truth or run away.
In the end, I chose the later option.

10th grade, I cut my hair short. Everyone was surprised at this sudden change in appearance.
Some liked it, others did not.
I personally thought it ok to be more boyish.

Also during 10th grade, a boy asked me out. I liked him, but at the same time, I was afraid.
At the end, I rejected him.
Reason?
''Because I'm not interested in boys''

11th grade, that same boy offered to introduce me to a few of his girl friends, who are 'like me' (he really believed I was les)

Sometimes, I did fantasize myself as a boy and strongly felt that I could be a better boyfriend/lover.
But this fantasy could never become real.

Now I believe that this gender confusion was just a part of my growing up process.

Indeed I was a little more boyish than a normal girl.
I might act tough outside, but it doesn't mean the same for my inside.
I could still cry upon seeing a toughing movie
I also liked cute little things like other girls
And my heart could also beat fast as I felt love..



And mom, even if it were true that I'm gay, it still doesn't change the person I am now
I'm still your child and I still need love like other people.

Next time (if there's one) when you ask, "Are you...gay''
I will answer

Yes, I am gay because I'm enjoying every moment of my life.

------------------------
Just finished my bowl of rice, great timing! =D